I like to be alone, but I also hate to be alone.
At the moment, I share a home with two other people. Now, they don’t know of my other-worldly origins, but for the most part they are fine with my quirks and oddities, or at least, the ones I show.
I tend to curb my peculiarities because, as yet, I am not confident enough to be 100% me. A woe which I know many a human suffers from as well.
Anyway, I like to be in the company of my roommates; we get along well and have a nice time, but, as is natural, I like to have my own space and be on my own at times too. I’m definitely more of a loner than a… whatever the opposite of a loner is called.
What is odd though, is that if I’m in my room, and my roommates in there’s, I feel fine. I’m alone, but friends are only several feet away.
But when they go out, I’m alone, and now friends are miles away.
I suddenly feel ALONE.
This is when my anxious side comes out. I feel like I’m completely alone, like I’m the only person on the planet. I know there are humans next door, or down the street, but they aren’t my friends, and they aren’t my family.
I feel a sense of security with beings I know and have a bond with close by, and when they are far away, that connectivity is broken. I feel at a loss.
My practical side says, “hey, make the most of having the house to yourself!” but I just don’t feel right. I know something is missing.
That feeling that humans get when they walk into a room and the people in there have recently had an argument; that uncomfortable atmosphere, no words or telltale signs of a negative occurrence, but a silent feeling in the air that something isn’t right.
It’s similar to that.
I try to do activities and focus on things to distract myself, but my mind knows, it knows that something is missing.
For the most part, I feel like that until one or more of my roommates gets home.
I feel a similar thing when I am outside on my own too; shopping, working, etc.
Is this some kind of home-sickness? Do I feel alone and anxious because I realise how far away I am from home?
Whatever it is, I wish that I could be alone, and not feel the need for that connectivity. It’s like a broken bond that just wants re-attach, never feeling at peace until it returns. Like a lost dog that cannot rest until it finds its master.