Existence

When I first came to this planet, everything was new and daunting, but it was also exciting.

I’ve always had the feeling lurking away that to exist on this planet is just too much of a task for me, but these past couple of weeks, those feelings have been creeping to the forefront of my mind.

There just seems like so much to do in life.  The human essentials, like getting a job and buying a place to live, and the human ‘norms’, like finding a partner and having friends – they all just seem too much.
And throw in health worries and things like that and it makes me feel completely overwhelmed.

What I find amazing is all the people out there that work several jobs, or have many children or people to look after; have to live paycheck-to-paycheck, work out serious problems; cope with various forms of illness and serious health conditions, either their own or a loved one, and some have all of the above mixed together.
I applaud these champions.  I respect them greatly and think that they are incredible human beings.  I am in awe.

What I feel is a sense of tiredness, like all the human essentials and norms previously listed are so out of reach for me.  I can’t really imagine myself having any of them.
Since I arrived here, I’ve had a few jobs, and lived in a couple of rented places, but they have all been temporary things.

I’ve heard it is human nature to ‘do whatever is necessary to survive’ but I’m not sure that I have that built in for my species.  I just don’t feel any drive, any force or determination; thinking of all the effort and work and slog that you have to put in to survive and strive and get places in this world just makes me feel exhausted, like I know I don’t have the will to do all that.  It’s all too stressful and unknown.

This fact concerns me, and I wonder if the survival/drive instinct is an innate human thing, or is it something that can also be learnt?  If it can, I would like to learn it, because I’m not sure how to really exist and cope with life on Earth if it can’t.

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